September 12, 2011| 4:00pm
I felt like a total nuts. I am feeling mixed emotions and my tears will pour anytime now. I blamed it all to the article I read from the Internet—“Is Jesus really a God”. I saw this link from an online newspaper, while trying to refresh my news writing skills.
I am about to write a news feature article for my organization’s website, but for hours I was distracted—maybe a divine distraction. There are thoughts flooding my mind right now. I don’t know where to start and how to start. Thoughts came flashing and I don’t know what to feel. All I know is that for an instance I heard God called me and I responded with a resounding, “God this is crazy, are you sure?”.
Multi-tasking, I was not planning to read the succeeding links of the article “Is JESUS really a God” article, because I was determined to finish my article that day. However it was the leading of a greater force that compelled me to read further. I am assured that Jesus is God. He is my personal savior now and forever. But I tell you, it was a great experience to be reassured that Jesus is God reading from other people’s perspective and journey. C.S Lewis’ journey is what I’m referring to. In his pursuit of discovering what Jesus really is, he searched and searched until he found the Light. This is one teary-eyed moment for someone who has been trying to please God in whatever she is doing—at least believing in faith to do so.
My Personal Issues
For a moment I was in complete chaos. I am sure my brain is still oxygenated, but the thoughts are flooding my head randomly, as if I was scanning an algorithm invented in the 20th century yet I am a computer from the 1990s. And then I asked myself why am I here? I answered myself, “I really want to glorify God in whatever I am doing. For an instance I was almost convince that I am a blind patriot— fighting but not for the purpose I was created for; as if I am invented to be a ball pen but I am shrewdly trying to be a spoon.
To say it plainly— I once rejected the idea of entering a full-time ministry for God. If there is a word “pre-rejection”, I would say it is the best term to describe it. Imagine this thought traveling in a speed of light but just before it reaches the uttermost part of my processing unit, I already approached and crushed it waywardly. Deep in my heart the thought of “serving other people to please God is the ultimate purpose I could have” as if I’m sure I was born to do that.
Forgive me if it wasn’t plain, but now I realized that no matter how I tried to be a technical writer I will always fall to be an awkward-creative-writer. This is the next stage of this exciting, difficult, yet hopeful kind of life. However I believe the question still remains the same; Where do I go from here and How do I get there?