Before you say a word…


‎”Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.”
~Isaiah 65:24

Amidst our circumstances, our pain, our disappointments, our confusions and our hopelessness about our personal situation and what’s been happening in our country; God reassures us that before we even open our mouths to pray HE has already answered us and will ALWAYS be listening.

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Barbie Dolls for Display


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I asked someone what were your childhood dreams. He instantly answered me and flooded my ears with dreams he had, starting when he was an elementary student. From being a baseball player to being a veterinarian and then a scientist, he humbly said being a scientist is the only dream that came true.

I was surprised to hear him ask me the same question. Unlike him, it took me not just seconds but minutes to figure out my childhood dreams. I may have two or three but maybe not that significant for it to linger in my memories. So when I reminisced back my childhood days, I was almost begging myself to atleast come up with even a single answer.

I laughed and told him, “ I can’t remember but all I know was I am academically competitive during those years. My mom and dad will always give me Barbie dolls if I will have honors or awards at the end of the year.” Then he asked me, “Oh so you love playing barbie dolls,!” And I just realized that I never played with my Barbie dolls. I only secured on my shelves and treated them like precious trophies— symbol of my accomplishment.

I must admit I enjoyed staring at them but not playing with them. Girls of my age during that time prided themselves with original Barbie dolls. And yes even during tender years we can differentiate original Barbie dolls from fake ones.

PLAY GIRL

Flashing memories of my childhood made me realize that I never want to have Barbie dolls. Playing with real kids was really the most enjoyable time of my childhood. I even remembered an incident when my mom scolded me  because I played all day long and went back to our house a bit late (atleast for children my age). I met new playmates and I was engrossed with the game and their company that I forgot that it’s dinnertime. When I came back to our house, my mom scolded me like the way she never did before. I was crying and even irritated because my brother has been bullying me, calling me “PLAY GIRL” — the term he coined by himself because literally I am a girl who loves to play a lot.

Going back to dreams, it was funny to realize just now that having dreams came into my being when I was in college. When I entered University of the Philippines Los Banos, somewhat I got a taste of the real world or perhaps just a sneak peek of the real world.

STREET CHILDREN

Growing up in a middle class family, I would say poverty was a bit trivial for us. We may have heard of it or talked about it, but we had never tasted it nor have seen it first hand.

When I was a freshman student in the university, I’ve got to see street children and sampaguita vendors wandering along the streets and purposely asking every passerby to buy their sampaguita or give them even a single dime.

Little children that should have been playing or studying were in the streets working and pleading for money. I cannot understand it at first. This is when poverty started to creep into my consciousness little by little.

THEN there comes the DREAM

It takes few children for me to realize how grateful I should be. As I learn the stories behind those innocent faces; I also started to build dreams not just for myself but for these innocent souls that touched my spiritual consciousness.

I started to interview these children and offered them free lessons every Wednesday and Thursday afternoon at the “Freedom Park”. The park where we used to stay after classes; where we can sit and relax while observing people playing, strolling, singing, chatting and even running at the park.

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MORE than anything

Freedom park— was viewed by many students as a place where they can freely express themselves giving fame to the “fertility tree”. But I’m not going to elaborate on that. This place was where I met the sampaguita vendors that became one of my friends in the university. This park became our place of reunion every week. These children were hungry for learning. They stand in amazement as I tell them the story of Jesus. Their smiles and laughter are evidence of how they were thrilled to hear about God and play some sort of games that complemented the stories.

These children made me realize that there’s more to this life than material wealth and personal gains. More than anything it is very worthwhile to  share your life to these children—for the love of God and the humanity.

Photos are from http://www.sina.com and kayecabal. Special thanks!

Insanity for God


September 12, 2011| 4:00pm

I felt like a total nuts. I am feeling mixed emotions and my tears will pour anytime now. I blamed it all to the article I read from the Internet—“Is Jesus really a God”. I saw this link from an online newspaper, while trying to refresh my news writing skills.
I am about to write a news feature article for my organization’s website, but for hours I was distracted—maybe a divine distraction. There are thoughts flooding my mind right now. I don’t know where to start and how to start. Thoughts came flashing and I don’t know what to feel. All I know is that for an instance I heard God called me and I responded with a resounding, “God this is crazy, are you sure?”.

Multi-tasking, I was not planning to read the succeeding links of the article “Is JESUS really a God” article, because I was determined to finish my article that day. However it was the leading of a greater force that compelled me to read further. I am assured that Jesus is God. He is my personal savior now and forever. But I tell you, it was a great experience to be reassured that Jesus is God reading from other people’s perspective and journey. C.S Lewis’ journey is what I’m referring to. In his pursuit of discovering what Jesus really is, he searched and searched until he found the Light. This is one teary-eyed moment for someone who has been trying to please God in whatever she is doing—at least believing in faith to do so.

My Personal Issues

For a moment I was in complete chaos. I am sure my brain is still oxygenated, but the thoughts are flooding my head randomly, as if I was scanning an algorithm invented in the 20th century yet I am a computer from the 1990s. And then I asked myself why am I here? I answered myself, “I really want to glorify God in whatever I am doing. For an instance I was almost convince that I am a blind patriot— fighting but not for the purpose I was created for; as if I am invented to be a ball pen but I am shrewdly trying to be a spoon.

To say it plainly— I once rejected the idea of entering a full-time ministry for God. If there is a word “pre-rejection”, I would say it is the best term to describe it. Imagine this thought traveling in a speed of light but just before it reaches the uttermost part of my processing unit, I already approached and crushed it waywardly. Deep in my heart the thought of “serving other people to please God is the ultimate purpose I could have” as if I’m sure I was born to do that.
Forgive me if it wasn’t plain, but now I realized that no matter how I tried to be a technical writer I will always fall to be an awkward-creative-writer. This is the next stage of this exciting, difficult, yet hopeful kind of life. However I believe the question still remains the same; Where do I go from here and How do I get there?

And Yes, I was waiting for Your answer. I know you are listening.

POST GRADUATION CRISIS


April 22, 2011

At last! Now I’m busy starting to fulfill my dreams. I quit my job last month and up to now, I am still in the process of understanding myself. I never considered the idea that I was once or that I am in reality, a pickle-minded person. It was hard convincing myself that I really am.

First Attempt
I can still remember the time when I rushed into my boss’ office to inform him that I am going to resign. How can I forget his first words when he heard my decision. “Mali yang desisyon mo.” (Your making the wrong decision). What are my reasons after all? After six months of working in that company, I decided to quit. What am I? A coward? Lazy? Pickle-minded? But I hope there’s more to this. The reasons I told my boss were: (How could I forget these reasons?)

1. I don’t want to do marketing. (Since this is not really my job and what I applied       for.) Explaining this reason to him and to all the people asking me and kept asking me why I resigned always sounds immature, impatient and proud. I will always elaborate that I would love to research and write instead.

In reality I am not a hard-core hater of marketing. It’s just that, after I tried for six months to put effort on it and spend time for it (considering all the interconnected difficulties and factors like problems of the companies and so and so); I do not feel any sense of fulfillment anymore. There are lessons from it, but I am just convinced that it is not the path I would like to take.

Again I am reasoning.But I will never shut my door to the possibility that maybe It is not my REASON, but rather my PRIDE.

2. I want to focus on research and writing. Yah. Here I am again saying that I like research and writing. Well since I’m being idealistic here, I would splurge everything out. Call me idealistic but if I would be ask what I really wanted—I want to do field research and writing. I can imagine myself working outside and inside the office. Interviewing people outside to gather data and maximizing other sources of information where I can verify or at least show contrasts or similarities of the single bits of information I gathered.

3. I am having a hard time balancing two jobs since my full-time work is not enough to pay for my apartment rentals. It was stressful to have two jobs. Really. It is.I even laughed at the thought that my lifestyle or at least my schedule is like a schedule of someone who is dying to nurse her three children. But I’m not. This one of the blessings I’ve been thanking God for, that maybe being overlooked most of the time. I came from a middle class family. That means I don’t have to work while studying (but I still tried, four months before my graduation), I can have cellphone, laptop , well out of necessity and definitely not the luxurious model, I can buy clothes at least twice a year every Christmas and Birthdays. Well If I want to buy clothes more than twice a year, I always save money for it from my allowance. All of these with reasons. My parents used to tell me that if you want something you have to work for it. I am grateful though realizing it now. Though sometimes in the past it irritated me that I can’t have what I want even though we have the capacity to buy it.

Yup. I had two jobs. My schedule was always 8am to 6pm and then 7:30pm to 10pm. Though it was not so late, I became exhausted and stressed towards the end of six months. Why? Maybe because I did not have much time for myself and for my GOD.

4. HOMESICKNESS. I used to think that I am always homesick every time I feel sad and alone at my apartment. I’m not sure though if it’s just a result of inconvenience or separation from my comfort zone. I love my HOUSE. I Love my room. And I’m very sure that I LOVE MY HOME.

My MOTHER

My mother will always spoon feed me:

My mother will wash my clothes.

My mother will cook my food.

My mother will iron my clothes.

My mother will clean my room.

My mother will wake me up.

MY MOTHER! It’s always her. And it’s really shameful of me to be like this.

I am frustrated that I am like this; that I let my mom do the entire job. Although we were trained to do household chores every day even before we gain the right to the remote control of the TV or turn on the laptop. This helped me gain some sense of RESPONSIBILITY and DISCIPLINE (I hope so).

Comfort zone
I’m sure homesickness is one of the reasons. Attempts to analyze further this situation gave me the hint that maybe somewhere deep in my heart I just don’t want to leave my COMFORT ZONE. Of course it is really comfortable and convenient at home. Everything works the way you want it to be. No major major adjustments. It’s just you and the sweet-smelling aroma of haven. You don’t have to pay for house rentals, electricity and water bill and most of all you’ve got to eat the food that your mother prepares for you every single day. When I started to realize that the inner part of me is like this, I was disturbed. I am a coward to be responsible and go extra mile. I can’t be like this forever. I need to be independent. And independence means sacrifices and I guess a lot of SACRIFICES.

Maybe I have to rethink it over. Maybe my trust was set on the wrong foundation or it might have gone astray and now pursuing the wrong track. Afterall, for whom am I living for? Is it just for me—for my own convenience? Or is it for SOMEONE worth living for?

SUCCESS EH?
The first attempt to pursue resignation was a failure since my head is floating and I’m completely soaked with confusions. But come February 14, yes—Valentine’s Day. I don’t have a date as usual (But that’s a different story haha). I came back to my boss’ office with certainty and firmness of decision. “I will not waive, definitely not”. And after an hour of conversation not to mention the teary eyed moment, my boss did not stop me anymore. I know he sensed that I already have made up my mind—like a sniper ready to shoot anytime. And yeah I successfully hit the target, I’m outta there.

GPS
I wish life has a GPS so I could easily know if I’m getting out of track, then most probably I can easily get back. Throughout this post graduation crisis (it hasn’t ended yet) I realized that knowing what my direction is, is as important as knowing how to get there. One day I began to realize that I’m pursuing the direction I just wanted; just me and my sugar-coated ego called PASSION. I have noticed that once I consider merely myself then my decisions will always be out of impulse. I’m not saying that I am resenting my decision to resign from my former company. Rather I recognized that in every decision I have to ask God, “What is your will and how do I fit in to your will”. This is the important thing I have missed.

myself, MY GENERATION and MY GOD
I can still remember how my favorite all time illustration of God’s work never fails to struck me every time. “God is the potter we are the clay. He is molding and making us to be like HIM. The process might be hard and rough at times, just like how the potter crushes back the pots to pieces when he sees imperfections on his works. Though it is painful, rest assured that God’s work is for the “bestest” that we can be ”

When I talked to one pastor about knowing God’s will. He left me with this statement , “If you want to be blessed by God, ask God what HE is doing in your generation and fling yourself towards it”.

Contemplating on these words and the goodness of GOD; I affirmed that life will never be the same again. I have to leave my COMFORT ZONE, I have to seek and follow God’s will, after all I am not living for myself but for MY GOD.