April 22, 2011
At last! Now I’m busy starting to fulfill my dreams. I quit my job last month and up to now, I am still in the process of understanding myself. I never considered the idea that I was once or that I am in reality, a pickle-minded person. It was hard convincing myself that I really am.
I can still remember the time when I rushed into my boss’ office to inform him that I am going to resign. How can I forget his first words when he heard my decision. “Mali yang desisyon mo.” (Your making the wrong decision). What are my reasons after all? After six months of working in that company, I decided to quit. What am I? A coward? Lazy? Pickle-minded? But I hope there’s more to this. The reasons I told my boss were: (How could I forget these reasons?)
1. I don’t want to do marketing. (Since this is not really my job and what I applied for.) Explaining this reason to him and to all the people asking me and kept asking me why I resigned always sounds immature, impatient and proud. I will always elaborate that I would love to research and write instead.
In reality I am not a hard-core hater of marketing. It’s just that, after I tried for six months to put effort on it and spend time for it (considering all the interconnected difficulties and factors like problems of the companies and so and so); I do not feel any sense of fulfillment anymore. There are lessons from it, but I am just convinced that it is not the path I would like to take.
Again I am reasoning.But I will never shut my door to the possibility that maybe It is not my REASON, but rather my PRIDE.
2. I want to focus on research and writing. Yah. Here I am again saying that I like research and writing. Well since I’m being idealistic here, I would splurge everything out. Call me idealistic but if I would be ask what I really wanted—I want to do field research and writing. I can imagine myself working outside and inside the office. Interviewing people outside to gather data and maximizing other sources of information where I can verify or at least show contrasts or similarities of the single bits of information I gathered.
3. I am having a hard time balancing two jobs since my full-time work is not enough to pay for my apartment rentals. It was stressful to have two jobs. Really. It is.I even laughed at the thought that my lifestyle or at least my schedule is like a schedule of someone who is dying to nurse her three children. But I’m not. This one of the blessings I’ve been thanking God for, that maybe being overlooked most of the time. I came from a middle class family. That means I don’t have to work while studying (but I still tried, four months before my graduation), I can have cellphone, laptop , well out of necessity and definitely not the luxurious model, I can buy clothes at least twice a year every Christmas and Birthdays. Well If I want to buy clothes more than twice a year, I always save money for it from my allowance. All of these with reasons. My parents used to tell me that if you want something you have to work for it. I am grateful though realizing it now. Though sometimes in the past it irritated me that I can’t have what I want even though we have the capacity to buy it.
Yup. I had two jobs. My schedule was always 8am to 6pm and then 7:30pm to 10pm. Though it was not so late, I became exhausted and stressed towards the end of six months. Why? Maybe because I did not have much time for myself and for my GOD.
4. HOMESICKNESS. I used to think that I am always homesick every time I feel sad and alone at my apartment. I’m not sure though if it’s just a result of inconvenience or separation from my comfort zone. I love my HOUSE. I Love my room. And I’m very sure that I LOVE MY HOME.
My mother will always spoon feed me:
My mother will wash my clothes.
My mother will cook my food.
My mother will iron my clothes.
My mother will clean my room.
My mother will wake me up.
MY MOTHER! It’s always her. And it’s really shameful of me to be like this.
I am frustrated that I am like this; that I let my mom do the entire job. Although we were trained to do household chores every day even before we gain the right to the remote control of the TV or turn on the laptop. This helped me gain some sense of RESPONSIBILITY and DISCIPLINE (I hope so).
I’m sure homesickness is one of the reasons. Attempts to analyze further this situation gave me the hint that maybe somewhere deep in my heart I just don’t want to leave my COMFORT ZONE. Of course it is really comfortable and convenient at home. Everything works the way you want it to be. No major major adjustments. It’s just you and the sweet-smelling aroma of haven. You don’t have to pay for house rentals, electricity and water bill and most of all you’ve got to eat the food that your mother prepares for you every single day. When I started to realize that the inner part of me is like this, I was disturbed. I am a coward to be responsible and go extra mile. I can’t be like this forever. I need to be independent. And independence means sacrifices and I guess a lot of SACRIFICES.
Maybe I have to rethink it over. Maybe my trust was set on the wrong foundation or it might have gone astray and now pursuing the wrong track. Afterall, for whom am I living for? Is it just for me—for my own convenience? Or is it for SOMEONE worth living for?
The first attempt to pursue resignation was a failure since my head is floating and I’m completely soaked with confusions. But come February 14, yes—Valentine’s Day. I don’t have a date as usual (But that’s a different story haha). I came back to my boss’ office with certainty and firmness of decision. “I will not waive, definitely not”. And after an hour of conversation not to mention the teary eyed moment, my boss did not stop me anymore. I know he sensed that I already have made up my mind—like a sniper ready to shoot anytime. And yeah I successfully hit the target, I’m outta there.
I wish life has a GPS so I could easily know if I’m getting out of track, then most probably I can easily get back. Throughout this post graduation crisis (it hasn’t ended yet) I realized that knowing what my direction is, is as important as knowing how to get there. One day I began to realize that I’m pursuing the direction I just wanted; just me and my sugar-coated ego called PASSION. I have noticed that once I consider merely myself then my decisions will always be out of impulse. I’m not saying that I am resenting my decision to resign from my former company. Rather I recognized that in every decision I have to ask God, “What is your will and how do I fit in to your will”. This is the important thing I have missed.
myself, MY GENERATION and MY GOD
I can still remember how my favorite all time illustration of God’s work never fails to struck me every time. “God is the potter we are the clay. He is molding and making us to be like HIM. The process might be hard and rough at times, just like how the potter crushes back the pots to pieces when he sees imperfections on his works. Though it is painful, rest assured that God’s work is for the “bestest” that we can be ”
When I talked to one pastor about knowing God’s will. He left me with this statement , “If you want to be blessed by God, ask God what HE is doing in your generation and fling yourself towards it”.
Contemplating on these words and the goodness of GOD; I affirmed that life will never be the same again. I have to leave my COMFORT ZONE, I have to seek and follow God’s will, after all I am not living for myself but for MY GOD.